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I am a writer of dark magical realism. All that is visible but rarely seen, all that is real but seems surreal, all that is dark yet radiates light.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


One of my favorite posters asked me to comment on this topic a couple of weeks ago in relation to the church.  As a non-church-goer, I can't speak with authority from that perspective but as a black woman I can comment on this topic in general.  What prompted me to revisit this topic was an ad on my sidebar on Facebook.  It was for an e-book entitled, SHE'S A HOT MESS: WHY 70% of BLACK WOMEN ARE SINGLE.  As part of that percentage, the title did pique my interest.  I read the teaser and the not quite historically correct lesson that was given.  The atrocities stated were real but please death to the Willie Lynch fable. 

I will say, I do think "SHE'S A HOT MESS" is a misnomer, the problem lies with the men.  I love black men, really I do.  Even when I say I'm going to "date out" it's with you I find the most comfort.  In the company of black men I feel completed, you get me--no explanation needed.   But y'all are so damn  trifling complicated.  Why do I have to worry about how many baby mommas you are hiding, or is that woman I suspect you are creeping with really a guy? 

Seriously the DL lifestyle has to end.  It's 2010 no need to pretend.  Case in point:

This picture was sent to me by my #1poster, it was featured on a popular entertainment blog.  By the body language, I assumed the men were gay, no big deal, but to my surprise these men wrote in to proclaim they were straight.  C'mon son, who you fooling?  Not me, maybe you.  Not only is there a large number of black men that are sexually duplicitous, the man on man sex they partake in is usually unsafe.  I'll be unPC and say I do feel that you are the reason for the burgeoning African American HIV rate.

If you like men or trannies, then just be real and say it.  It's better to live, if I find out about either one--I'm going to kill you anyway.  There are women who are open to bi/gay men, leave me alone and go find one: no negative judgement for you, but for me--I judge and deem it as not my thing.

Now I hear the new thing is open marriages.  If my husband and I are going to date, I'd rather stay single.  I'm going to get married, to finally end the whole meat market charade that is the dating game, just to be put back on the track with my postnatal body--no thanks.  I'd rather get divorced and do that.  Like I'm going to answer the phone and say to my man, "Honey, telephone. It's your girlfriend, Sheila."

They say monogamy is not natural, says who?  I used to say that too; it was a comforting excuse.  There are some committed men, I say it and for me there will be.  If you don't believe it, I can't speak for you.

I would like to know what is the mentality behind open marriages? Please don't reference animals, they exist on instinct, your mental capacity allows you a greater ability to reason and think.  Higher Reasoning: Use it or Get Screwed By It.  Society as it exists today can't economically support multiple wives and kids for most.  You do know polygamous societies call for the man to be financially responsible for each household?  It's not just about the right to put it in a different hole each night.  I'll be damn if money is taken out of my kid's mouth to give to the next, yup, I'll say it: bitch.  I don't want to hear how devolved and prudish I am, and how can I comment--I don't even have a man.  Well from what you are saying, I can have yours too.  So what do you really have, to me: someone common and openly shared--nothing special.

Back to my black men: I know many of you didn't have a positive male role model growing up and I understand, me too.  But just show me what you need from a woman; I'll be that.  I'll show you what I need from a man; you be that.  We might not of had examples but if we come together for each other; we'll be that.

To the lucky fathers: be a father to your child, your child is a reflection of you--gaze at that reflection with love and pride.  Remember you will be old someday too, you will want someone to return the favor: feeding you apple sauce and wiping up your drool. 

To the women: get your priorities straight: looks and swag don't make a good mate.  I like them too but if they exist on your list, they should be on the lowest end.  Don't turn down a good man because he isn't "fine", dresses a certain way or doesn't speak the latest slang.

#1 Priorities for me: Good Character, Compatible Personality and the ability to provide.  Yes, money is non negotiable.  I'm on my way to get mine, you should have already or have a plan to get yours.  I don't eat ramen noodles, only organic food.

So that's my take.  Comments Please: Do you agree?  Disagree?  And what did I miss?


  1. I just want to say that I like that you express yourself and what you feel

  2. Mademoiselle, once again you dodge the question? Are you saying black ladies are single because they are lied to by black men, or because black men are irresponsible and poor, or because black men are ambitious-less? Why is the the percentage of black ladies above 30 years and single so high? When you say the men forget to mention their baby mamas, remember the ladies are the baby mamas. Why is the percentage of single black men above 30 years negligible?
    I absolutely agree with you that communication bridges gaps between couples, but not many black ladies would want to say "just show me what you need from a woman; I'll be that". I think where the problem lies and why a high percentage of black ladies remain single is because the feel they are educated, independent and can run things irrespective of the black man. If there is no order in a house it doesn't stand. Your statement in quote above is not true for most black ladies and thats why they are single. Finally, black ladies have decided to become rotund and dirty thereby making them VERY unattractive. If they invest in taking good care of their bodies, I am sure that percentage would fall drastically. I disagree with open marriages and gay and trans relationships but I judge no one. I just wouldn't take that route.

  3. @anonymous: Okay, so forget what I said. The reason why black women are single is because they are rotund, dirty and unattractive, lmao. You can't be serious.

  4. According to this source 45% of black men have never been married, compared to 42% of black women. The numbers are comparable. It's a race problem overall not just a problem solely for black women to own. Get out of fantasy land where everyone wants black men and no one wants black women.


  5. 1) If you are in fact part of the percentage you wont be there for long. You seem to know what you want (a good thing) and based on your blogs you know how to articulate your wants (an even better thing)
    2) Trifling- I want the e-mail address and phone number of the academy that teaches sisters to call us men trifling as though it’s part of the normal course of a relationship lol. Can yall at least come up with a different term lol. How about you call us “complicated” as a place-holder until we find a new term to describe Black men you don’t understand lol
    3) Hiding baby mamas- No qualms from me on the front—I’m with you T!
    4) DL lifestyle- No greater portrayal of a woman than for a man to give himself to her, then give himself to another man! You are so right when you say that has to stop!
    5) Yes there are committed men. The problem is that so many of us black men grow up learning about relationships via what I call the “locker-room”. It’s not necessarily a physical place but a line of thought that leaves the streets, gyms, playgrounds and locker rooms as the place where we learn about relationships.
    6) You’re on-point about polygamy. Many men if given the chance would love to have additional nookie on demand but when you factor in all that comes with maintaining multiple relationships, those same men would wilt under the pressure of truly satisfying multiple wives
    7) I especially like the “I’ll be what you want in a woman if you’ll be what I want in a man”. Now that’s real! Just be supportive of me and my biz endeavors, keep the lines of communication open, and occasionally throw on that French maid get-up during role play night, and it’s all good for me.
    8) Money- I agree with you whole-heartedly! If I could design a rites of passage program for young black males topic #1 would be money. My father taught me that nothing will destroy a relationship faster than money issues.

    Keith B.

  6. @ Keith B: Bravo! I bet you aren't flakey. :-)

  7. I'll bet that I am FREAKY!

    Keith B

  8. Oh wait my bad! You typed, "flakey". I really gotta get my eyes examined

    Keith B

  9. Meet me in the middle and stay patient mature and open to change, evolvement and reciprocity. Iron sharpens Iron.

    Vexed Malcontent

  10. @Vexed Malcontent:Tell us why you mad, son! Sound off.

  11. Once again, you nailed it!!! My favorite: 'It's better to live, if I find out about either one--I'm going to kill you anyway."